Rick and Diane
by TheGrantster
Summary: Morty and Summer want to know more about Rick's past. Rick is reluctant to tell them. How did Rick meet his wife? Why did he leave her? Why did he come back?
1. Scene 1

Scene 1

Narrator: It was a dark and gloomy evening, and the noises of the city pervaded the streets. There was hardly a moment's silence. A fourteen year old Rick Sanchez-

Rick: I was *belch* f-fifteen.

 _Narrator pauses, perturbed._

Narrator: A fifteen year old Rick Sanchez was rigging the radiator of a stolen microwave to an improvised circuit board made from cardboard, chicken wire, and various items stolen from the orphanage kitchen. He was trying to-

Rick: D-d-don't even bother. *belch* The simple-minded dimwits reading this shit won't understand it any-a-anyways.

Morty: Rick, can ya cut it out? They're probably getting annoyed that you keep interrupting. We-we still don't know what the story is even about!

Rick: Shut up, Morty. If he's gonna tell the story at all. He's gonna tell it *hicup* he's gonna tell it the right way. Got it, Morty?

 _Rick takes another swig from his pocket flask._

Narrator: As I was saying… Rick Sanchez was doing some very intelligent science thing that only he could understand. Once it was completed, he took the device around to the alley behind the orphanage. It was there that he fastened it to the side of the building, ran down the alleyway and pressed the remote button he had fashioned to detonate it. Immediately, the device began to whirr and sputter. Within moments, however, the device exploded, sending sparks raining down on all parts of the alley. "Damnit." Rick cursed. As soon as it began to spark, Rick knew what he had done wrong. It was an error in the math. Instead of-

Rick: Ser-seriously *belch* don't even waste-don't even waste your breath ex-a-explaining.

Morty: Aww Rick, come on! We're never going to get to the end of the story if you keep doing that!

 _Morty gives Rick a very annoyed look_.

Rick: Can we just get this bullshit over with already? I have very important science stuff I could be doing right now, and you chicken-shits are making me sit here, because you want to listen to my origins story. Well fuck you, Morty. Fuck you, Summer. And especially fuck you, mister Narrator. Where the fuck did you even come from anyways? You think you can tell my story better just because your voice is all deep and soothing and shit. Fuck this, I need another drink. Rick out!

 _Exit Rick_ _with two middle fingers raised above his head._

Narrator: Well that was… uncalled for.

Summer: Can you at least finish the story? I wanna know what happened to Rick as a kid.

Narrator: Rick knew that he had made an error. He quickly gathered the pieces of his makeshift device-

Rick ( _faintly_ _from the other room_ ): -Transifunneling Microrber. It's called a Transifunneling Microrber.

Narrator: He took the transi-whatever thing, and he went back to his room in the orphanage. Rick set down the pieces of the broken device, and slid a cardboard box out from under the bed. Inside, there was an assortment of tools and random pieces of wiring and mechanisms. He dug around inside until he found what he was looking for. In about twenty minutes, Rick had reassembled the device, but when he returned to the back alley, he heard a scream. Rick looked down the alley, and he saw a young girl being assaulted by a large ruffian in a long coat. Instinctively, Rick pulled out a laser-pistol from his own coat and zapped the assailant. The man dropped to the ground, dead, revealing the most beautiful girl Rick had ever laid eyes upon.

 _Enter Rick._

Rick: Okay, that's enough. We're skipping ahead now. We don't need to hear any more about that…

Summer: What? No way! You _have_ to tell us!

Rick: Listen, Summer. I don't mean to burst *belch* burst your bubble or anything, but that is the epitome of a flawed logic. He-he-he doesn't _have_ to do anything. Nothing really matters, remember? Everything is optional, even breathing…. sometimes I wish you kids wouldn't.

Narrator: Rick said to himself, "Woah, it works!" looking at his laser-pistol in awe. He hadn't gotten an opportunity to test it until now. "I mean, I knew it would work. The math checked out on paper, but coooooool!" said Rick, eyeing his pistol with pride. "You _saved_ me!" The girl gasped, wrapping her arms around Rick, still holding the gun. "What is your name?" The girl asked. Rick's complexion was bright pink. He stammered, "Me? Oh, I'm uh, you can call me Ricky."

Morty: _Ricky?_ I didn't know you used to go by "Ricky."

Rick: Trust me, Morty. There's a lot of things you don't know about me. You'll grow outta "Morty" too one day.

 _Rick takes another long swig from his pocket flask._

Narrator: The girl responded, "Thank you Ricky. My name is Diane."

Summer: Grandpa Rick, is Diane our Grandma?

Rick: Shut up, Summer.

Summer: Is she?

Rick: I said shut up!

Summer: Oh my god, she is!

Narrator: It would be another two years before Rick would cross paths with Diane again-

Rick: D-Don't pretend like meeting her was destiny or some *belch* or some-some bullshit like that. There are plenty of alternate universes where I don't save her... I know. I've been to them. No one exists for a reason. Nothing happens on purpose. Everybody dies.

Narrator: Two years later, a seventeen year old Rick is about to enter an ice cream parlor one evening, when he hears, "Bobby, stop! You're hurting me!" Rick turns around and sees a girl struggling inside the boy's car. "Ugh, seriously?" said Rick. In a few moments, Rick had opened the car door, dragged the boy out, and kicked him in the balls. "What the fuck, man?" the boy cried. "Get lost." Rick replied, holding his laser-pistol against the boy's head. Within minutes, the boy got up and drove off. Then, Rick found himself having ice cream with the same girl he had saved in an alley two years earlier.

Summer: You don't call that destiny?

Rick: No, I call it prob*belch*ability. We lived in the same city for like, for like twenty years. The odds of us meeting more than once was almost certain.

Summer ( _grinning inspiredly_ ): Ah, destiny!

Rick: You people are idiots.

 _Exit Rick._

Narrator: Rick and Diane were eating their ice cream, when Diane asked, "How come I never see you at school?" She was a senior in high school at the time. "I don't go to school." answered Rick. "What do you mean?" Diane inquired further. "I'll tell ya a little something about school, Diane," Rick began, "it's a waste of time… It's just a bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. Guy up front says, 'two plus two,' people in the back say, 'four.' Then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. It's not a place for smart people, Diane. I guess you're entitled to your own opinions on the matter, but that's just how I feel about the whole issue." Rick had finished his ice cream, and he made his way to the door. "Wait," Diane called after him. "Where are you going?" She asked. Rick turned around to her and said, "Where do you think, Diane? I'm going home. I have very important science stuff to do." Diane flipped her hair over her shoulder and asked, "Well, since Bobby left. I still need a ride home." Rick wished that he could say no to her. He didn't have time for this. There were too many things that required his immediate attention. Yet, he just couldn't bring himself to do it. The way she batted her eyes at him. The way she smiled so gently at him. After a long hesitation, Rick finally said, "Fine, where do you live?"

 _Enter Rick._

Rick: Morty, I need your help! We gotta go right now, Morty!

 _Exit Rick and Morty._


	2. Scene 2

Scene 2

Narrator: After Rick crossed paths with Diane for the second time, they finally made a proper acquaintance. However, it wouldn't be long before their paths became forever intertwined…

Rick: Seriously, mister narrator, guy, *belch* I-I don't even know what the fuck to call you. Can you cut out the whole destiny bullshit? We got married, because she got pregnant, so don't try to twist the story around and make it seem like we had some long and dramatic romance or some shit.

Narrator: Diane was attending a community college at the time, and she came to see Rick one evening to discuss an important matter. He was sitting at his workbench, focusing intently. "Ricky," she began, "we need to talk." Rick took a moment to put away the vials of strange-smelling liquid he was measuring, then he turned to her. Diane had a certain way of getting his undivided attention. "What's on your mind, sugar?" Rick asked nonchalantly.

Summer: Oh my god, that's so weird. You actually called her that?

Rick: I-I-I don't know what you're ta*belch*lking about.

Narrator: Diane shifted uncomfortably, clutching her arm and looking toward the floor. "I don't know exactly how to say it…" she admitted. Rick stood up and deadpanned, "You're pregnant." Diane looked back up at him, surprised and said, "What are we going to do? I just don't know how this could have possibly happened!" Rick frowned, and replied, "What do you mean, you don't know how it happened? We had sex. That's how you get pregnant. We did it, and now you're pregnant. It seems pretty clear to me how it happened." Diane looked flustered. She grabbed Rick by the hand and said, "I just… I never thought it would happen so soon." She looked down at the floor again, seeming lost, looking to Rick for guidance. He always seemed to know what to do in the most difficult of situations, and Diane knew it. She relied upon it. She knew that no matter how bad things may have seemed, as long as she was with Rick, he would always figure a way out.

Morty: Yeah, grandpa Rick always seems to know what to do, or at least he always seems to know how to figure it out… one way or another.

Summer: I wish we could have met grandma.

Morty: Yeah, me too!

 _Rick takes another long swig from his pocket flask._

Narrator: Rick then opened up a large bottom drawer of his workbench and told Diane, "I've been meaning to show you this for a while now. I figure this is as good a time as any." He rummaged through the drawer until he found a metal box with wires and diodes attached to the top and sides. He placed it in the work area of the table, and pressed a button. The door opened, and Rick rummaged through another drawer until he produced a rather large piece of coal. He stuck it inside the strange box, closed the door and pressed a few buttons to make it start. While it was whirring in the background, Rick pulled out a plain golden ring. The box dinged, and Rick used a small laser blade to cut the piece of coal, which was now a small fraction of the size it was before entering the box. After a few precise cuts, the compressed piece of coal was now a stunningly beautiful cut diamond. Rick fastened the diamond to the ring and asked Diane, "Will you marry me?"

Summer: Woah, that's so cool! I want one of those machines!

Rick: Well that's too bad, because *belch* it needs a gurmy prolax crystal in order to work, and thanks to the united states government, the only coral that ever produced them were harvested to extinction back in '69 because they killed a few dolphins. So if you wanna say, "fuck you" to anyone, it's them… fucking bureaucrats.

Narrator: Diane's face lit up like a firecracker. She covered her mouth with her hands and shrieked, "Yes! Of course I'll marry you!" She jumped up and down excitedly. "This is the happiest day of my life!" They kissed, and before long, Rick and Diane were married. They bought a house together in Muskegon, Michigan using funds that Rick had mysteriously acquired overnight. Rick claimed that it was his inheritance, but Diane reminded him that he was an orphan.

Morty: So, err, how did you get the money, Rick?

Summer: Yeah, did you have a job? Did you get a mortgage?

Rick: Why does it matter? I didn't do anything that was illegal… at least, not on earth.

Narrator: A few months later, Diane gave birth to a baby girl, who they named Elizabeth Sanchez.

Rick: Which is a name that we totally didn't draw randomly from a hat… We used a decision matrix.

Narrator: For the first time in his life, Rick Sanchez was truly happy. He had a family, and he cherished it. He loved his wife dearly, and his baby girl brought him such joy. He continued his research with fervor, and his wife supported all of his scientific endeavors. Unfortunately, all of that was about to change very soon…

Rick: Aaaaand that's all the time we have for today, kiddos. What a cliffhanger, am I right?

Morty: Awww no way! I wanna know what happens next!

Summer: Yeah, you can't just cut it off there! That's not fair!

Rick: Well, that's just too bad. Reality check Summer: life isn't fair; nothing happens on purpose; everybody dies alone.

Morty: C'mon Rick, you-you can't just leave it off there. There are like, you know, rules and stuff, and I wanna know what happens next!

Rick: Well, I've got stuff that needs doing, and I need your help, Morty. It can't wait any longer. I've only been putting up with this stupid story, because I was waiting for the glommy pergitoads to heat up. Now that they're not frozen anymore, we don't have much time before they decompose. I need those pergitoads, Morty. I need them for my research!

Summer: Can I come too? I can be helpful!

Rick: Uhhh, I don't know about that, Summer. It's not a place that girls want to be, you know. As little as I value your safety, and believe me, it's very little, you should probably sit this one out.

Summer ( _sarcastically_ ): Fine, I'll just stay here, bored, while you two get to go on an adventure.

Rick: Sounds good to me. C'mon, Morty let's go.

 _Exit Rick and Morty._

 _Summer puts her feet up and opens up a teen magazine._

Narrator: So, err, where's your bathroom?

Summer ( _without looking up from the magazine_ ): Down the hall and to the left.


End file.
